10 Years

a sober journey

November 22, 2015.

That is the day I quit drinking alcohol.

This is obviously not my typical newsletter subject.

Vulnerable? Yes.

Uncomfortable? Not really.

We all have our demons. I have just learned shedding light on them makes you stronger.

So what’s the story Ed?

Simply put, I had an issue with alcohol.

I wasn’t what may be considered the alcoholic stereotype - waking up and having to have a drink throughout the day. I was what is considered a binge drinker. I did not need to drink and/or could go weeks without drinking. My problem was that when I did drink, I was all in. I didn’t have an off button or the ability to self regulate. No matter what I told myself… “I’ll only have 2 drinks tonight” - I would find a way around my self imposed restrictions (addiction 101). I think most people can self regulate just fine… I couldn’t.

The problem with being a binge drinker is that one drink is too many and 10 drinks is never enough. What happens is that you end up in a violent spiral of guilt and shame. Very much like a snowball rolling down a mountain getting bigger as it continues down the mountain.

I.E. You go out on a weekend, binge drink until blackout → wake up the next day wondering if I did or said anything embarrassing → Feeling immense guilt if I had and apologizing → Hangover → swearing not to do that again → repeat.

Here is what happens though - that cycle compounds… that snowball rolling down the mountain gets bigger and bigger. Eventually that snowball (aka you) are going to crash into that bottom of the mountain.

Hitting Bottom

The cliff notes of my bottom..

In retrospect I can now see that I was a binge drinker even in college, however it wasn’t till a perfect storm of life struggles all hitting at the same time that became my bottom. A wife diagnosed with breast cancer, having a young toddler running around, and a churn and burn consulting job taking up 80 hours a week plus travel. To get through the stress, I would self medicate via drinking. After work - on the weekends at the local pub. Binge drinking was starting to become more of a regular occurrence.

Eventually, when you look at yourself in the mirror and find yourself in a dark corner not liking what you see and having thoughts about is it worth being around… That’s when I knew there was a serious issue.

There were two paths. This isn’t going to end well, or I need to figure my shit out..now.

So, November 22, 2015 I went cold turkey.

Cold turkey doesn’t mean I did not have help. My number one recommendation to anyone trying to stop drinking is that you have to put a framework in place to help keep you accountable and also give you tools to help you when things get tough. For some, this framework might be Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), for others it may be therapy. Mine was a hybrid approach - I am personally not a fan of the AA methodology, so I built my own frame work. This consisted of an self introspection, support from family and friends, an online support group, in person therapist (via an Employee Assistance Program), and intentionally making myself busy at times when I would normally start having a drink.

Between November and the following February, I sort of went underground. I threw myself into getting fit and working on my BBQ craft. I dropped 30 pounds and came up with the logo I now use on my BBQ packaging. Anything to keep me busy and focused. Eventually - days became weeks, which became months, which became years.

Visual References

You will notice I have two tattoos on my forearms. On my right forearm, I got a tattoo of a Japanese style Phoenix after my first year sober. I had made it a year but I was afraid of potentially relapsing, so I needed something visual to remind me how I had made it up out of the ashes and to keep going.

On my left forearm, I got a tattoo of a Japanese style Dragon after my fifth year sober. This was my visual reminder of the strength and commitment I had fought with for those five years.

This is year number ten and I am scheduling another tattoo. This time, I am thinking a Japaneses style Koi fish. Symbolizing the peace I have found within myself regarding this journey.

Reflection

Here’s the deal with being sober, at least for me, it will always be one day at a time. There is no finish line.

Is it way easier now 10 years later than the first few months - absolutely, however you still have those days where you think it would be great to just throw back a few with friends, but you can’t. Your true friends won’t even care and will even help you stay on track ← read that last sentence again.

It was absolutely the best decision I have ever made…. well, because I am still here to write to you.

I’m not really sure why I wrote this post, perhaps it is still a little bit of therapy I needed to keep myself grounded.

I appreciate all of you and if any of you are ever having similar issues and want to talk through it, I am here.

-Ed